The past few days I have not stopped thinking about you. I see the pictures from the recent Women’s March in DC and it brings me to tears. To be honest with you, I did not attend the march for several reasons that I will not get into now. One of the main reasons I did not attend is because I am not angry. I left anger, my former companion, many years ago. I abandoned it, and I refuse to revisit it.
I know that many women attended the march for MANY different reasons, but when I look at the pictures, when I talk to friends who attended, and when I read the articles, there is anger. I see it. I hear it. I taste it, because I was once intimate with it myself. There is anger toward men, anger toward our new President, anger toward other women with differing opinions, and sometimes it seems it is there just because it makes us feel good.
You might not be angry, and if not, this post is not for you. Maybe it is for a friend or sister?
Many years ago, I was very angry. I felt forgotten. I felt left in the dust of a young man’s shoes. I turned to Planned Parenthood to “fix” my problems and justify my anger, and it left me even more angry. Anger was comfortable. Anger was justifiable. Anger brought me “comfort.” Anger was my revenge. Anger became my marching orders.
Anger was constant yet betrayed me over and over again.
There are many of you who have been forgotten, or feel that you have. There are many of you who have been hurt, discriminated against, and even abused. This is not right, and for that I am truly sorry. You are more valuable than how you have been treated. Many of you have felt forgotten by the Church. Many of you are angry at Christians for not being Jesus to you. I hear you, and again, I am truly sorry. Christians are imperfect broken people. We often do not represent Jesus rightly.
I wrote you this letter, because my heart is breaking for you.
I wrote you this letter, because I wanted to share one of the most profound truths I unearthed several years ago that freed me of my anger.
This is an excerpt from Chapter 9 in my new book, Created to Live:
“The nearness of Jesus is sweet and it is tender. Yet just as He is tender, He is also jealous, holy, and righteousness. He is all of Himself, all the time. During my post-abortion recovery, Jesus gave me a simple yet profound revelation, one that no one in any church had revealed to me. It is this: Jesus is our great Judge. In His tenderness, He sits on the throne. In His nearness, He holds the government on His shoulders. In His kindness, He brings forth judgments and extends His hand of mercy. This revelation is not only one of the most wonderful I have ever uncovered about Jesus, but it came in the time of my greatest need.
The truth hit me: Jesus is not only the Judge of the earth, but He is also my personal judge. We will not only stand before Him face-to-face at the end of our days, but He is near to us in our day to day. He judges, He reﬁnes, and He corrects, but He is also our defender, who sees and hears our side of the story. Jesus is unlike any other judge we will ever encounter. He is unlike the judge we see in the movies or in the up-and-coming television show. He is unlike the judges sitting in courtrooms across our land. His Court is higher than the Supreme Court. Though the impact of a Supreme Court ruling is grand and sweeping, Jesus has the ﬁnal say.
The justiﬁed anger that I carried for so many years, against those who had committed such terrible crimes against me and my baby, sounded absurd when I considered His authority…He is powerful and all-knowing, yet His hand is always open. His gaze is always tender. His words are seasoned with grace. He is the approachable Judge. He is not far off. Many women have been abused, neglected, and forgotten, or they feel as if they have been. Jesus, the Judge, cares about them deeply though, and He hears their case in the courts of Heaven.
When I realized Jesus’ jealousy for me as my personal judge, it turned my anger towards those who had wronged me into prayers for them. I felt His jealousy burn for me, and it led me to pray for mercy rather than wrath for those who had sinned against me. He allowed me to get just close enough to feel the warmth radiating from His ﬂames. I felt His love burning for me as a loving earthly father’s would for His abused daughter. Many women believe that God’s anger burns against them, when in fact what they are feeling is His jealousy for them. When we realize this, we can walk into His courtroom with conﬁdence that He will hear our every word. He will tenderly handle our case.”
I hear you. Jesus, the Judge, hears you.
I just want to propose to you, that you do not have to be angry any more. Your voice counts. Your voice is loud. You have not be forgotten. Your story has not been forgotten. Letting go of anger does not mean that you forget. It does not mean that you do not fight for what is right, or that you say, “it was all ok.” But, anger will destroy you. Others will take advantage of you because you are angry for their own agenda or personal gain.
Remember, man will always disappoint, but there is a Judge that hears your case in the courts of Heaven. He sees you. He is near.
Your story matters.